Bad things happen when large quantities of alcohol and I are mixed. How bad they get depends on how much alcohol I have. In this case the result wasn't so bad as the last, which I really don't want to think about because it was pretty bad. Anyway, I just sort of kissed one of by best friend's friends this weekend. It was completely meaningless, but enough to hold me over. AND, the interesting part of the evening is that I came the closest I have ever come to kissing a girl on Saturday night. It is amazing how good a woman's lips feel. They are so much softer and supple than a man's. But I do prefer a man's.

I began reading a blog over this weekend called, Anonymous Lawyer, and while the guy behind it is a bit condescending, he can be hilarious at times. That said, I am completely hooked. And I am hoping to pick up some insight on the life of a lawyer.

Why do I feel such pity and self-loathing for myself?? I feel like I've been living with a black cloud hovering over my head for the past few days.

I am so confused about my life. I am so afraid about making the wrong career decision, afraid that I'll regret the choice later on in my life. So instead I let myself be influenced by everything else but myself. What do I want to do?? I can't be sincere about the answer because If I am, I will have another change of heart, and I don't think I could handle that.

I really do want to go to law school. I can do anything I want with a law degree, meaning I can either practice law, for the state, for a firm, or go into busniness for myself. Or, I can go into international relations, or work for the United Nations, or for the U.S. Embassy.

But after I convince myself that law is what I want to do, I still have to deal with how hard it is to get accepted into a decent law school. I think that it might be too late to straighten out my academic record. I have fucked up one too many times. I don't know what it is that keeps me from succeeding. I think that maybe, I'm just scared to fail when I do succeed, so I sabotage the whole opperation, letting myself down sooner, rather than later. And that's the sad part, It's all within me. Maybe this time, I can defeat my demons to save myself. This is my last chance.

God, I feel like crying. But it won't fix anything will it?

My day today has had more ups and downs than the results of a polygraph test. It began this morning, when I was on my way to the park-and-ride And I was stopped and given a ticket by a dumb man in a policeman outfit. He came up to my window and told me I was speeding and he was going to give me a ticket. Then, after he came back to my window to hand it to me, he said to me, "are you really 6" tall?" To which I answered, "yes I am." And then he proceeded to tell me how he was 6"4 and he hated being tall. Did I hate being tall, He asked. Then, trying to play nice cop, and turning on the charm he said , "Wow, are those real diamonds?" about a big fake ring I was wearing.

Any decent policeman knows you respond to flirting in the begining before giving a speeding ticket, and not after when you have absolutely no chance. Dumb policemen, what shall we do with them?

Anyway, I was half an hour late to my first class. On the other hand, I had my first International Law class today, and I'm so excited.

And then I was 10min late to work because of traffic. I swear I hate it. Despise it.
And now I am just here. But I think the reason for my subltle hapiness throughout the day is because I began a new novel the day before yesterday, but I really got into it last night and I think because I had a chance to sleep on it and let the story line sink in, its made me happy somehow, I know it has. Weird isn't it? I think I live vicariously through novel characters. Sad but true. Although I hope to be getting my own life in the next few years.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

Exactly a minute ago:

I vowed I would never be a hypocrite and try to be nice to the bitch that works here, because first of all, I hate her, and second of all, she's a bitch! But today I came in in a great mood and I decided the hell with anymosity, and I tried to be nice to the montrous bitch here, but it backfired terribly. Needless to say that's what I get for being a hypocrite.

I'm back

Today was my first day back @ Metro. I am sooo excited about my classes and about working hard. Dr. Hazan said that I was a smart young lady today!! And he said that he was going to help me get into law school!!!!!!!!!!! I can't contain my excitement at the fact that I think my heart is set on this. I mean finally set on being a lawyer. I pray, and hope, and pray that I don't have a change of heart, or that I don't back out or become discouraged. I deserve this. I really do.

!!!!!!!!!!

SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well it's not that good of a score, but for me its a big move in the right direction. I am proud to say that I arrived at work today, Saturday, on time, and before my other co-worker. I am sooooo proud of myself.

That said, I really do hate this job.

Creepy....

Ok, our GM, we'll call him BS, Ha! BS! He brobably lives up to the initials anyway, walking around doing nothing. Well, I shouldn't say nothing, he straightens out his coat suit every five minutes, and polishes his watch every ten. Anyway, I think he's a creep. On the Creep Scale, he's a 7. He's got these pointy gray eyebrows, bulging eyes, a wrinkled forehead (which could definietely use some botox) and he's sorta balding, with about half an inch of white hair that he purposefully spikes. And he walks like a snot with his nose high in the air. If you could only see....

Hope After All

I was so sure that after I had finished reading MSK, I would be so incredibly depressed, for days to come. Instead, I cried, went to bed, and woke up hopeful, with the feeling that I can do anything, anything. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but the thing is, I wasn' t set up for success, but I want it so badly and I refuse to give up. I know that it's to late for certain things, which is just to bad, but I can't spend the rest of my life dwelling on them. So chin up, back straight, and make for the best.

I want to believe that this semester will be my best, that I will not let anything interfere with what I want, with what lies ahead. And I believe with all my heart that I have changed, from last year, that I am more focused, and that hopefully, I can make my career decision this time around.

? ? ? ? ?

Being a mother is my only other sure ambition besides finding love. And these two ambitions in life may sound cliché, but think about it, they are desired by everybody for a reason. There is a reason that they are the things that practicaly anybody in this life wants.

I want to love someone untill it hurts so much, that I can't stand it. I want to love someone untill the moon looses it's footing in the sky.

But the thing about motherhood is, that it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to make any mistakes, because it is so easy to do so. You can go wrong in so many ways, being a mother, even I know this. But the opportunity of being a mother I wouldn' t trade for anything, not for all the stars in the sky, not for the sun in my backyard.

Shallow Goals

So everyone is always going on about how important it is to have goals in your life and what not, so I have had a spur of the moment goal. I am going to eat sushi! That's right. I have decided to put raw fish into my mouth, chew it, and then swallow it.

HA!

Okay so this is one of those fairly interesting moments I spoke about in my Blog description. There is this couple her, at the "office," where I work, and they have 2 baby twin girls, with them. So earlier, I noticed the husband staring at me. And this is not an innocent stare. He is a sick pervert, and I know he is a sick pervert because he came up to my desk to flirt with me with me, with his baby girl in his arms. OMG! he's still staring at me! What a cynical perv. Seriously!

Why am I so Careless?

WHY??????????? It's just that I stepped away from my desk and a nosy co-worker had to cover me and I left Moi, exposé open and she read my entries. If this would have happened a week ago I would have been absolutely mortified, but I am a new woman now, or so I like to think. Any way, I don't care if she reads about my life or not, but I wonder if I can get fired for "improper use of computer equipment," or some bulshit excuse like that.

Boredom

I am officially bored out of my mind.

Although there is a really hot guy sitting in front of me. Too bad he's short (or shorter than I am at least).

But other than that, I'm really bored.

Women!!

It is enough that women act with such animosity towards each other, but to let it occur between sisters is just too much!! I mean you would think that being sisters and all, we would be able to comunicate witout all of the bitchyness, but no. I guess we don't know each other as well as we thought we did.

What I would like to know, is why she would deliberately try to hurt me? Me, of all people? I know that being sisters, it's only natural that we fight with each other, but not like this, and not as this stage in the game. We are supposed to be maturing into real women. Instead we (or I should say she, but I'll take part of the blame this time around) act like uncivilized barbarian-womenfolk. Is that not sad? And is there really such a thing as barbarian-womenfolk?

And I guess I am rancorous against her for not having appologized sooner. And for not inviting me to her b-day bash. But even though I didn't congratulate her on her b-day, I thought it would make us even because she didn't go to my high school graduation, but I was wrong because that, I will never be able to forgive. And she may never forgive me for dating one of her ex-boyfriends, although she found out about it because she read my journal. I mean how do you read someone's journal unintentionaly? But enough about family feuds, because I can go on forever.

Tonight L and I are going to the Soiled Dove downtown, some band is playing, and maybe afterwards we'll go to Moto. And I would love nothing more than to nurse a hangover Sunday morning, after great sex.

I hate.

I hate having a meaningless job. I like to think that my time is worth more than what anybody is willing to pay me for it, so long as I'm doing something I hate. But the bills won't pay themeselves, Sigh.

On another note, it's been months since I've been laid. Months. Where are all of the fuckable guys in this town? I mean it's a big fuckin' town. Maybe I need to get out more.

I have it on good authority that guys are intimidated by tall girls. I mean, I know that I am good looking (Not conceited!), but I hardly attract any decent guys/men.

I am consider trying B. I had a dream about it last night. But the thing is, it was just a dream, but I kept wanting more & more & more.

What can I say? I feel the need to get crazy!