What is it?

My life sucks. And it's not just out of self-pity, it really does suck. I'm falling into a hole of despair when I'm not high or drunk. Linda and I where not sober one day last week. And it's fun, but when it's over, what am I left with? Reality. A harsh one at that. I can't get back into school. I've lost my focus, and all I want is Alex, no matter how hard I try to lie to myself. Perhaps I want him because I want, need somebody to save me, perhaps I want to take refuge in him, all I know is I want him. But the thing is, It's harder than it seems. I think he might like Linda, and that's when I'm drunk, but seriously, when I'm under the influence, I tell myself that I will have him, no matter what, even if I have to go through her to do it. And that is one thing we swore we would never let come between us, Guys. But she put him there, in my head, and now I can't get him out. And sometimes I think that maybe she likes him but she can't be with him because of her loyalty to Sergio, so I'm the next best thing. I'm afraid. I wish someone would just tell me how to fix it all. I wish someone would just tell me what to do to stop feeling this way. I want out of here, because it's really not my home anymore, I want away from my parents. I want away from my sister, so I can forget how much it hurts, all of it. I want a refuge, someone to fuck, to trust, to lean on, I want to feel it in every part of my being, the need, the want, the lust, the love.