I've given up. It's too much to fight against. It's like singlehandedly trying to stop a nuclear war. Worse, a nuclear war has a solution. A possible one anyway. But trying to stop this is like trying to stop a tornado from forming, or deviating a hurricane from its path, or like such things.

It's too much to fight. It's more than I have in me. I can't do it anymore, it's tearing me down inside. It's deconstructing everything I've ever worked hard to build. It's not fair that everything I've worked so hard at, it's all slipping through my fingers like sand. I've given up trying to fight it, so now I'm a part of it. That's what they say isn't it? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em?

Now I just wonder, will it be enough to salvage me?

And even though life is so meaningless right now, the resilience of the human spirit completely amazes me, because I find Jake more beautiful than ever. He smiled at me and I actually mustered up an honest, genuine smile in return. The first one of the day.

My life is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it. It's falling to pieces and the wind is scattering them to the point where I don't know if I'll ever be able to retrieve all of them and put them back together. Every aspect of my life is shit. And it's not sympathy I want.

When I stopped speaking to my sister, I swore that I would never forgive her. I imagined us in the future, married with children, and still not speaking to each other. I guess it was more like a wish, because I'm so fickle when it comes to holding grudges. And so they say, be careful what you wish for.

There are brides magazines lying all over the place. Honeymoon magazines scattered across the dining room table. I wake up mid-morning to arguments about the reception hall, and all of it, every single aspect of it is killing me inside. But that's not the worst part. The worst part is that in the beginning, when I only saw the magazines, I knew, but I didn't know. I lied to myself, the way we all do sometimes, when we're trying to protect ourselves, it's like a reflex. I told myself, "maybe she's just thinking about getting married," or " maybe she's just helping someone plan their wedding," stupid things like that, that only someone wanting to be oblivious to the facts would ever believe. But not, me, I couldn't stay like that, I had to know. So I casually asked my mother, in my most mocking tone, "what, are they like getting married Mom?" And my world came tumbling down. It's not the fact that she's getting married that's tearing me apart. It's that I am not in anyway a part of it.

So, here is the part where I came unglued, when everything became too much. I was asked in the most informal, the most meaningless way, if I was gonna be a bridesmaid. A BRIDESMAID. In my own sister's wedding. In my only sister's wedding.

I'm not naïve. I know that things don't happen the way that we want them to just because we want them to. But this is so far from anything I could have ever conceived. It's such an overwhelming feeling, loosing my sister twice in one blow. And knowing that nothing will ever be the same...It's like loosing the only constant in my life. She wasn't ideal in any way, she was never perfect, nor did I expect her to be, but she's...she was the only one that would be there always, no matter what. And now, now I have nothing. No one.

I'm hanging in limbo right now. Neither here, nor there. I never belonged before, but now I don't exist either.

BTW Hot Jake is a new salesperson. He is hot. Not hot hot just hot. And the fact that he returned my pen makes him more appealing.

He Stole my Pen!!!!! Hot Jake stole my pen!! I' m so hurt, I don't know why... nevermind, he just returned it.

I am completely resigned to the fact that nobody will ever read this. So I guess it's more like a journal than anything. I could make things up to make it amusing and interest people in reading my blog, but then I'd just be pretending to have an interesting, amusing life, and that, would be even worse.

So here's an update. For my Records.

I don't want to make a big deal of this, but just saying so, is doing so. There is this guy. And I know he's interested in me, but he's not what I'm attracted to. He's not tall, broad, smart-mouthed, Sexy, mature, or career oriented. He's a salesperson. It's his job to make things sound appealing. You can't believe anything that comes out of a salesman's mouth.

But the part I guess I'm curious about is that he's black. The reason why I'm curious is because, and it's scientifically proven, black men have larger penises than white, hispanic, or asian men. I don't know if this is the case with this guy, but it might be.

I guess the reason why I'm not interested is because he didn't approach me the right way. He's not sly enough. He did it through text messaging. Pathetic, I know. It would have been nice if you would have been confident enough to talk to me, you know butter me up, then ask me out to like a movie or something, you know under false pretenses, getting to be my friend, then that way, he would have had a foot in the door for whenever he decided to make his move. But instead, I get text messaging.

On another note, I missed class all of last week. I was a lazy bum. I couldn't make myself get out of bed. So I am going to overly motivate myself. I have to, I absolutely have to put my best effort forth here. This is it. There aren't any more chances, there is no more room to say, "later, it will happen later, I will do it later." It doesn't get anymore serious than this. Why don't I get that? I can think it, I can say it, but I can't fully comprehend it. Why? I don't know, but I will pound it into myself if I have to because I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to be a salesperson. Not ever.

None of us is willing to say it because if we do, we run the risk of sounding desperate, so here it is, plain and simple; Why is it so wrong to need someone to feel whole? I know that so many self-sufficient, career driven women out there would tear me to shreds for saying this, but not all of us can function properly alone. There is a difference between always wanting to be with someone, and needing/wanting a companion, someone to share your life with and love. Because it's in our nature, written in to our genetic code, to find someone who, as cheesy as it may sound, completes us, that balances us out, that is everything we are not.
I may be worse than most, although maybe not, because who am I, really, to tell what others think, to read minds? But I find myself going through a bout of "sizing up" any potential guy and imagining if maybe I could see myself spending my life with him. Maybe I am crazy, but it really is the only thing that keeps me alive, from day to day. It is the core of me, take it away and I can't fathom life. It's why I'm afraid to step onto the field and play the ball game, because everyone's bound to strike out once or twice, but I don't know if I could handle a broken heart. To me, a broken heart seems like the end of the world. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic.

I really, really want to get laid. All of this going out, partying, drinking and rubbing around on the dance floor is just too much! And all of the wrong guys hit on me (i.e. Co-workers whom I cannot sleep with). What's a girl to do? And the thing is I 'm attracted to older guys, not old, just older than I am by 5-10 years, because that's about the time they start maturing. I either have to settle for a one-nighter, or be very selective because I actually want to be with someone, and so far I've been doing the latter.

By the way, I did not pull all the way through my commitment, but I sure as hell came close. It would have been the end of me if I would have partied Sunday and today (Monday). I'm happy with what I accomplished, although it may not be a great feat, it's a small step forward and that can't be bad.

OMG! It's only Friday, and I feel like I've been dragged around for days. I'm sleep deprived and dehydrated and my eyes are puffy. I figured I would commit myself to something feasible so I could start little and work my way up to committing myself to something big. I'm trying to prove to myself that I can make goals and reach them. This commitment however, is turning out to be harder than I thought. I committed myself to going out everyday this week/weekend including Monday, since it is Labor day weekend. It all began on Wednesday, and today is Friday morning and I was able to wake up @ 6am today, and I'm still standing, so that has to count for something.

Wednesday, my friend MM and I pulled a solo and went out to Teddy's together. It sucked, but we had a drink and met some friends there, at which point we decided to move on. We then went to Market 41 and had a couple more drinks with our friends, danced, and then moved on to Rise. At Rise, we met some guys at the bar and hit it off. We had soooo much fun together, it was amazing. They bought us drinks all night and kept taking pictures of us and taping us (w/a fancy camera phone). All of the attention was flattering. We ended up very drunk.

Thursday MM and I went to the Castle. There we only got slightly tipsy, but danced a helluva lot.

One of the Security guards at the Castle is my cousins ex-husband. He isn't old or anything, but he is sorta attractive. We've bumped into each other at some clubs and he's asked me to dance every single time. He's also had a couple parties at his house and in each one he's rubbed my good side. On Thursday, he was happy to see me and came over to the table my friends and I were sitting at to talk to me for a while. And I could feel his eyes on me most of the night, whether I was dancing, drinking, or talking to friends/strangers. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I'm hardly ever wrong about things like this, unless I completely don't see them coming. He isn't indifferent to me, which is why I'm a bit worried because I know that one day if I have a little too much to drink and we're anywhere in the dark together, it will not result in a good outcome. Especially since he is my cousins ex-husband. Did I mention that they have a child together?

Last night I went to Rise, unbelievably by myself. One drink was enough to get me going. I was sitting alone and I saw a girl sitting alone across from me, so I went over and asked here if she wanted to sit with me. She was gorgeous, body and everything. Except when we took a trip to the bathroom where it was quieter, she spoke and her voice was a little too deep. Yes I know, but I could not for the life of me make out an adam's apple or any other sign of manhood. And her body was just so definitely feminine. Maybe she was just born with a deep voice. Anyway, afterwards, my friends R and D showed up. R bought me drinks the rest of the night.

And let the record show, that when I drink, I become very friendly.

When I was sufficiently inebriated, I complimented a girl on her shirt and we just started talking. Then we began group dancing and really hit it off. We began having soooo much fun together and she was sooooo nice. I was jealous of the company she was keeping only because he was a lawyer. A financial one, but nonetheless a lawyer.

We had an incredible time, and after the club we took a taxi (with whom I began a very interesting conversation with, an ethiopian man, very very nice) to an after hours club called 2a.m.

I have had such a good time these past couple of days. I know that tonight is going to be the best night to go out but I don't know if I can muster up the energy for it. I know I will, but right know I'd rather believe that I'll just go home and sleep. I will not break this commitment. Not for anything, not if I can help it. I almost broke it yesterday, but I felt like such a complete and utter failure at life at the thought of it, that I decided, to go out by myself. It wasn't the first time, nor will it be the last. It's amazing how a stupid thing like making a goal to go out 6 days straight can be so uplifting to my morale. God knows it needs a substantial boost.