Him.

I miss him.  I miss him so much sometimes.  He who drew a smile across my face and made my stomach lurch. He who is ever present in essence when a certain song plays.  He who was inside me so many times.  He who smashed my heart into an infinity of fragments. HIM.

Sometimes I wonder how I can still miss someone who hurt me so profoundly, who I lay awake so many sleepless nights thinking about, wishing he would just love me back.  And suddenly I get it. He also made me feel, really FEEL, the type of feeling that only happens when you're in love, even if not reciprocated.  It's the kind of feeling that can turn an ordinary day into an extraordinary one and suddenly you feel everything! You feel the sun shinning on your skin, the wind blowing through your hair.  Suddenly life is full of opportunity and greatness and you feel like you could just spontaneously combust with emotion at any moment.  It's this airy feeling light as a cloud, and giddy smiles pour out of you.

I don't feel like that anymore.  And perhaps that is what I miss most.

The sting of words.

It never ceases to amaze me how much the words of a parent can sting.  I like to think that by this point in my life nothing they say can hurt me but the truth is that we all have this soft spot for parents no matter how wretched they may be, or how much they've managed to screw us up.  Sometimes I wish to be so far away from them that their existence is just a nostalgia carried in the wind.  Being near them is my kryptonite.  They bring out the worse in me no matter how much I love them.

Stagnant

It's been 4 years since the last time I posted an entry and it feels like a whole lifetime has passed and yet everything remains exactly the same.  I find myself without a job once more, falling into that hopelessness.  As I sit and reflect on my life these past four years, I can honestly say that there isn't one single thing that I have accomplished that I am proud of.  How is it possible that I have ended up where I never wanted to be? I am 25 years old, still living at home, miserable at that.  I have no job, no career, no boyfriend (which I know doesn't say much, but tell that to my parents).  

It wasn't so long ago that the world was a place of possibilities and adventure and now it is merely a place where I am trying to survive.  I know that change is within me but I don't know where to begin.  

I'm so full of anger and resentment, mostly at myself and my parents.  I'm angry that I wasn't set up for success, that my parents didn't set the groundwork to encourage me to pursue what I wanted, to believe in myself, but most of all to never give up.  I wish that this road wasn't so hard for me.  That I didn't feel this way, instead I was completely happy and successful.  But wishing for things to be different would mean wishing to be somebody that I am not.  And I am not about to give up, not yet.  I've got fight left in me, and passion, ardor to succeed.  It's what I've wanted more than anything my entire life, to succeed.  So watch out world.  Judy has arrived.  

I think I'm loosing my best friend. It's this feeling inside of me that I can't explain. Intuition, perhaps, I'm not sure. But it's centered around Lizzie & Imkong. Primarily Lizzie. There's something about her. Something I sensed that made me uncomfortable from the beginning. And although she's been super nice the whole time, she's trying to steal my friend for herself. Because she doesn't have any of her own. And she's a druggie. A total druggie. I'm venting, I know, but I can't help feeling like I'm loosing a part of me. Like someone is taking away a part of me.

I don't know what to do. What do I do? I am mad at her. Uncomfortable with her. And she should be trying here. I've given her all I have. I've been there for everything, I have nothing more to give. I'm empty.

Don't you see?

It's as if the world is blind. If you can't see what's on the other side of the wall, does that mean you can't know what's there?

It's strange how sometimes, I can't see the joys in living. I can't seem to find a single one. Like the world gets smaller by the minute, until all that is left is the world that surrounds me and I think to myself that it's the only world left.

And I don't like the world I'm left with. It's cold. Dark. And above all lonely. It's ugly and hidden. Why would anybody want to come here? Why would anybody want to come to me?

What is it?

My life sucks. And it's not just out of self-pity, it really does suck. I'm falling into a hole of despair when I'm not high or drunk. Linda and I where not sober one day last week. And it's fun, but when it's over, what am I left with? Reality. A harsh one at that. I can't get back into school. I've lost my focus, and all I want is Alex, no matter how hard I try to lie to myself. Perhaps I want him because I want, need somebody to save me, perhaps I want to take refuge in him, all I know is I want him. But the thing is, It's harder than it seems. I think he might like Linda, and that's when I'm drunk, but seriously, when I'm under the influence, I tell myself that I will have him, no matter what, even if I have to go through her to do it. And that is one thing we swore we would never let come between us, Guys. But she put him there, in my head, and now I can't get him out. And sometimes I think that maybe she likes him but she can't be with him because of her loyalty to Sergio, so I'm the next best thing. I'm afraid. I wish someone would just tell me how to fix it all. I wish someone would just tell me what to do to stop feeling this way. I want out of here, because it's really not my home anymore, I want away from my parents. I want away from my sister, so I can forget how much it hurts, all of it. I want a refuge, someone to fuck, to trust, to lean on, I want to feel it in every part of my being, the need, the want, the lust, the love.

Last night Linda and I went to see More than Medium, and the show was awesome. They are such a great band. I know them through Linda, who knows them through Imkong, who is their lead guitarist. I really want to get to know Alex, who is the bands bassist. He's so awesome. Not that I know him yet, but I hope to. I tend to go into detail, like fantasize and elaborate, about things that I really want, kinda like I'm doing with Alex, and It's like I always end up jinxing them. I hope that it's not the case with him, because I really do want to know him.

I'm secretly In love with the lead singer. He's got a girlfriend, which I formally met last night. She's really not that great. She's got a kid, which I don't think is his, and she's got really bad conversation. She was smacking some guys ass that night, and she was talking about how she gets drunk at all of their shows, really drunk, and how she had the "Shits," before the show. She's skinny, and wears great jeans, I'll give her that much, but that's it. Ok, that, and she dates Keegan, which I would like to do. Maybe I just see him from the groupie perspective, but he kept making direct eye contact with me during the show, and his voice... It's something I could listen to for the rest of my life. The first time I met him, I memorized him. I don't usually do that with people. I couldn't stop thinking about him every time I listened to their CD. He's so tall. Taller than me, which is totally awesome. He's light skinned, and he's got beautiful eyes, with this penetrating stare (which he kept giving me during the show), and he's got auburn-ish curly/wavy hair. He is so beautiful. Something inside of me tells me that we would be good together, but that same thing tells me that it will be virtually impossible, and I don't know why.

I think that I have a better chance with Alex, 1, because he's single, 2, because he came up to me and Linda after their show and hugged us, but he expected a more generous hug from me, and I know because he told me so, and 3, because generally speaking, he's not as attractive as Keegan. But I still want to know him. He seems like the kind of person that I could have a relationship with, be completely comfortable with, be myself with. I really want to see him again. And hopefully, through some leap of faith, we (Linda & I) can go see them (More Than Medium) play in Fort Collins next Friday. And I say through some leap of faith, because I lost my job at the beginning of this week. It was horrible. But the thing is, I don't want to become depressed again. Not like last time. I want to be more optimistic, I want to believe that my life is not going to fall to pieces. I am barely managing to keep from falling apart with everything that's going on right now, and then I loose my job. It wasn't anything I did, because I asked and there wasn't really a reason except, "you weren't really a good fit." That is the bullshit I got for putting up with their bullshit.

I haven't told my parents yet, because that was the major part of my depression last time, that and being cooped up in here with them. They made me feel so useless, so inadequate in my own home. Can I even call it a home? I won't get into that, but it's where I live. Point being, I really, realy want to see Alex again. And this time it's not because Linda told me to flirt with him.