Him.

I miss him.  I miss him so much sometimes.  He who drew a smile across my face and made my stomach lurch. He who is ever present in essence when a certain song plays.  He who was inside me so many times.  He who smashed my heart into an infinity of fragments. HIM.

Sometimes I wonder how I can still miss someone who hurt me so profoundly, who I lay awake so many sleepless nights thinking about, wishing he would just love me back.  And suddenly I get it. He also made me feel, really FEEL, the type of feeling that only happens when you're in love, even if not reciprocated.  It's the kind of feeling that can turn an ordinary day into an extraordinary one and suddenly you feel everything! You feel the sun shinning on your skin, the wind blowing through your hair.  Suddenly life is full of opportunity and greatness and you feel like you could just spontaneously combust with emotion at any moment.  It's this airy feeling light as a cloud, and giddy smiles pour out of you.

I don't feel like that anymore.  And perhaps that is what I miss most.

The sting of words.

It never ceases to amaze me how much the words of a parent can sting.  I like to think that by this point in my life nothing they say can hurt me but the truth is that we all have this soft spot for parents no matter how wretched they may be, or how much they've managed to screw us up.  Sometimes I wish to be so far away from them that their existence is just a nostalgia carried in the wind.  Being near them is my kryptonite.  They bring out the worse in me no matter how much I love them.

Stagnant

It's been 4 years since the last time I posted an entry and it feels like a whole lifetime has passed and yet everything remains exactly the same.  I find myself without a job once more, falling into that hopelessness.  As I sit and reflect on my life these past four years, I can honestly say that there isn't one single thing that I have accomplished that I am proud of.  How is it possible that I have ended up where I never wanted to be? I am 25 years old, still living at home, miserable at that.  I have no job, no career, no boyfriend (which I know doesn't say much, but tell that to my parents).  

It wasn't so long ago that the world was a place of possibilities and adventure and now it is merely a place where I am trying to survive.  I know that change is within me but I don't know where to begin.  

I'm so full of anger and resentment, mostly at myself and my parents.  I'm angry that I wasn't set up for success, that my parents didn't set the groundwork to encourage me to pursue what I wanted, to believe in myself, but most of all to never give up.  I wish that this road wasn't so hard for me.  That I didn't feel this way, instead I was completely happy and successful.  But wishing for things to be different would mean wishing to be somebody that I am not.  And I am not about to give up, not yet.  I've got fight left in me, and passion, ardor to succeed.  It's what I've wanted more than anything my entire life, to succeed.  So watch out world.  Judy has arrived.