What is it?

My life sucks. And it's not just out of self-pity, it really does suck. I'm falling into a hole of despair when I'm not high or drunk. Linda and I where not sober one day last week. And it's fun, but when it's over, what am I left with? Reality. A harsh one at that. I can't get back into school. I've lost my focus, and all I want is Alex, no matter how hard I try to lie to myself. Perhaps I want him because I want, need somebody to save me, perhaps I want to take refuge in him, all I know is I want him. But the thing is, It's harder than it seems. I think he might like Linda, and that's when I'm drunk, but seriously, when I'm under the influence, I tell myself that I will have him, no matter what, even if I have to go through her to do it. And that is one thing we swore we would never let come between us, Guys. But she put him there, in my head, and now I can't get him out. And sometimes I think that maybe she likes him but she can't be with him because of her loyalty to Sergio, so I'm the next best thing. I'm afraid. I wish someone would just tell me how to fix it all. I wish someone would just tell me what to do to stop feeling this way. I want out of here, because it's really not my home anymore, I want away from my parents. I want away from my sister, so I can forget how much it hurts, all of it. I want a refuge, someone to fuck, to trust, to lean on, I want to feel it in every part of my being, the need, the want, the lust, the love.

Last night Linda and I went to see More than Medium, and the show was awesome. They are such a great band. I know them through Linda, who knows them through Imkong, who is their lead guitarist. I really want to get to know Alex, who is the bands bassist. He's so awesome. Not that I know him yet, but I hope to. I tend to go into detail, like fantasize and elaborate, about things that I really want, kinda like I'm doing with Alex, and It's like I always end up jinxing them. I hope that it's not the case with him, because I really do want to know him.

I'm secretly In love with the lead singer. He's got a girlfriend, which I formally met last night. She's really not that great. She's got a kid, which I don't think is his, and she's got really bad conversation. She was smacking some guys ass that night, and she was talking about how she gets drunk at all of their shows, really drunk, and how she had the "Shits," before the show. She's skinny, and wears great jeans, I'll give her that much, but that's it. Ok, that, and she dates Keegan, which I would like to do. Maybe I just see him from the groupie perspective, but he kept making direct eye contact with me during the show, and his voice... It's something I could listen to for the rest of my life. The first time I met him, I memorized him. I don't usually do that with people. I couldn't stop thinking about him every time I listened to their CD. He's so tall. Taller than me, which is totally awesome. He's light skinned, and he's got beautiful eyes, with this penetrating stare (which he kept giving me during the show), and he's got auburn-ish curly/wavy hair. He is so beautiful. Something inside of me tells me that we would be good together, but that same thing tells me that it will be virtually impossible, and I don't know why.

I think that I have a better chance with Alex, 1, because he's single, 2, because he came up to me and Linda after their show and hugged us, but he expected a more generous hug from me, and I know because he told me so, and 3, because generally speaking, he's not as attractive as Keegan. But I still want to know him. He seems like the kind of person that I could have a relationship with, be completely comfortable with, be myself with. I really want to see him again. And hopefully, through some leap of faith, we (Linda & I) can go see them (More Than Medium) play in Fort Collins next Friday. And I say through some leap of faith, because I lost my job at the beginning of this week. It was horrible. But the thing is, I don't want to become depressed again. Not like last time. I want to be more optimistic, I want to believe that my life is not going to fall to pieces. I am barely managing to keep from falling apart with everything that's going on right now, and then I loose my job. It wasn't anything I did, because I asked and there wasn't really a reason except, "you weren't really a good fit." That is the bullshit I got for putting up with their bullshit.

I haven't told my parents yet, because that was the major part of my depression last time, that and being cooped up in here with them. They made me feel so useless, so inadequate in my own home. Can I even call it a home? I won't get into that, but it's where I live. Point being, I really, realy want to see Alex again. And this time it's not because Linda told me to flirt with him.

The most amazing concert ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Foo Fighters!! That's Dave Grohl on stage. Not bad for a camera phone picture, is it? 

Me, bored at work. 

Frome left to right: Me and my friend L, otherwise known as Linda, on a wednesday for karaoke night at 'Benders' downtown. (Yep, the shirt says FUCK) 

Today is the first snow of the season. It's beautiful. And magical. It's as if all of a sudden, white silvery flakes falling from the sky ignite so many different feelings inside of me. Feelings of melancholy and nostalgia, of warmth and solace.


Tonight I dreamt of oceans, of trecherous waters. I dreamt of my sister, us together, traveling. If I analyzed my dream, I would say that the ocean, the infinite waters represent our everlasting bond. The trecherous waters represent the current turbulence between us, my unhapiness with the wedding. Us together traveling, well that is obvious. Because I want it to be just us, just the two of us forever. I want us to get away from it all. I don't want to loose her. I don't like change.

I think I have found my next victim. Or maybe I shouldn't call him my victim, I think prospect is more suitable. He is so sweet. Twice he has made me feel so much better. He's put a genuinge smile on my face, lightened my load. I think I could see us as "friends." It would be amazing to have a booty call. A real booty call, no strings attached. If guys can have it, why can't I?

But I think, I think he has a girlfriend. Although I could be wrong.....
But then I'd just be fooling myself, and I wouldn't want to do that now would I......

I would love to explain the story from the beginning, but I am so angry right now I feel like I've got Hiroshima potential. I am so irate. I don't know where all of these anger is coming from, I guess it's all pent up anger, but if I don't vent right now, I'm gonna explode.

I was planning a bridal shower for my sister, and I asked my mom if she would help me. Turns out she asked the groom's mother, who doesn't seem to have a name BTW, to help her and Teresa plan a bridal shower. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I' m her SISTER! Her fucking sister! you'd think it might have occured to her that maybe, just mayber I'd want to throw my sister her bridal shower. You'd think she would at least have asked me if I wanted to plan the shower before she started inviting people in on the action. Seriously, what the fuck! Why is everything so fucked up? Why can't I deal with all of this? Everything is stacking up, and the load's just getting too heavy to carry around. I'm afraid I'm gonna drop it at the most unexpected moment, just loose it. And then what? I can't do this. I'm starting to feel like I'm not gonna make it through this whole ordeal. It's asking to much of me to keep my cool, to take part in it, and to take up all of the responsibilities. And on top of it loose my sister. My little sister. My only sister. My live-in friend.

Breathe. Deep Breath. Nicotine.

I'll be fine. I'll be fine.

And about M, as much as I wished he wasn't like every other guy, he is. But I guess it doesn't really matter because it was only about the sex. But the way he touched me... and the way he kissed and caressed me... and the whispering.... I wont forget. But it doesn't mean anymore than what it was. I tend to make a big deal out of encounters of this sort because they don't happen very often. And, this is the first one I really, truly enjoyed.

And about Jake, he's not hot anymore. He's .... there's something not quite right about him.

I'm supposed to know how to comfort her. I'm supposed to know how to console her and make her feel like there is still life after Sergio, that life is still worth living. But the thing is, is that if the same thing would have happened to me, if my first love would have killed himself, there wouldn't be anything left for me. I don't think I could do it, put a mask on everyday and go through the motions. And thats why I feel like such a bad friend. Im no good when it comes to the topic of Sergio. Because what am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to be a hypocrite to the only person who I trust? I can't do it. But maybe it's my duty to, as the best friend, do anything to make her feel better, to feel, for even an instant, that she's ok, that she's gonna make it after all.

I would do anything for her. I feel obliged because she's been my friend for so long. Because she gets me and I get her. Because she knows me and she's still by my side. But today, what can I do? Today she's re-living it all over again, and I know that it must be hell. She's living through hell on earth.

I feel like standing in the middle of a crowded place and screaming, at the top of my lungs, until my throat burns, until I can't scream anymore. I ... Who am I? And what am I doing fooling around with married men? Because that's what it was, fooling around. There wasn't any sex, although we were naked. But it's what I wanted after all, wasn't it? It's what I was after. But I wasn't after the married man, just the sex. And I didn't get it anyway. But you would think I did because of the way M and I are acting.

"Question." "Yes?" "Are things better left unsaid?" "(pause) Yes. Well, it depends on the circumstances....."

And the worst thing I could do right now would be to fall for him, but the thing is I don't feel like I like him, I don't feel the attraction that way. I just want to fuck him. It sounds harsh doesn't it?

Just knowing that I am that woman, the unscrupulous one, the woman who would sleep with a married man. Knowing that I had no regard for potentially destroying a marriage, everything that was built between two people. I was in her home! In her privacy, in her bathroom, amongst her things. With her husband. How much lower can I get? How much more dirtier and shameful than I feel right now?

"I'm looking for what I forgot." "What did you forget?" "I don't know, I forgot." -JS & LH 9/30/05

I think my bout of being miserable with life is over for the time being. But I also know why its over. It's been a combination of things. Simple things really, that can make your life terribly complex. Smoking (and not just cigarettes), drinking, and Rock 'n Roll. Everything but the sex is missing, sad, I know. But at times, the sex part is not so simple. Maybe it needs to be.

I now know how people can live on drugs forever. Being high is becoming a daily ritual, and I love it. "I Fu*%#ing love it!" And being high at a Foo Fighters and Weezer concert is definitely the best. It's the most amazing feeling ever. Being high at a rock concert. You feel the music, all the way down, down the the bone, down to your soul. You feel it coursing through you, the pulsations, the vibrations, and they're so intense they reverberate through you imitating a heart beat you can feel pulsating through your entire body, and it's the only time I've ever really felt alive. Really alive. It is fucking great. Fan-fuckin'-tastic.

I love Rock 'n' Roll.