My life is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it. It's falling to pieces and the wind is scattering them to the point where I don't know if I'll ever be able to retrieve all of them and put them back together. Every aspect of my life is shit. And it's not sympathy I want.

When I stopped speaking to my sister, I swore that I would never forgive her. I imagined us in the future, married with children, and still not speaking to each other. I guess it was more like a wish, because I'm so fickle when it comes to holding grudges. And so they say, be careful what you wish for.

There are brides magazines lying all over the place. Honeymoon magazines scattered across the dining room table. I wake up mid-morning to arguments about the reception hall, and all of it, every single aspect of it is killing me inside. But that's not the worst part. The worst part is that in the beginning, when I only saw the magazines, I knew, but I didn't know. I lied to myself, the way we all do sometimes, when we're trying to protect ourselves, it's like a reflex. I told myself, "maybe she's just thinking about getting married," or " maybe she's just helping someone plan their wedding," stupid things like that, that only someone wanting to be oblivious to the facts would ever believe. But not, me, I couldn't stay like that, I had to know. So I casually asked my mother, in my most mocking tone, "what, are they like getting married Mom?" And my world came tumbling down. It's not the fact that she's getting married that's tearing me apart. It's that I am not in anyway a part of it.

So, here is the part where I came unglued, when everything became too much. I was asked in the most informal, the most meaningless way, if I was gonna be a bridesmaid. A BRIDESMAID. In my own sister's wedding. In my only sister's wedding.

I'm not naïve. I know that things don't happen the way that we want them to just because we want them to. But this is so far from anything I could have ever conceived. It's such an overwhelming feeling, loosing my sister twice in one blow. And knowing that nothing will ever be the same...It's like loosing the only constant in my life. She wasn't ideal in any way, she was never perfect, nor did I expect her to be, but she's...she was the only one that would be there always, no matter what. And now, now I have nothing. No one.

I'm hanging in limbo right now. Neither here, nor there. I never belonged before, but now I don't exist either.